| Brelle Witrep writes... |
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16-Apr-2021
3 weeks ago I made a reminder to call an old friend but didn't get around to it. He committed suicide last night.
A few weeks ago I was sitting on my front porch with my new partner. I started talking about my next door neighbor who had a son, austin. I owned a local gas station and when austin turned 17 he started working for me and worked for 3 years. Austin was a drummer, super into Tool, and didn´t really vibe with many others in our small rural community. As a business owner, I maintained an image of being a straight laced normal joe, but personally I´m pretty out there (for a rural community.) After the store would close for the night, Austin would hang out in my office and we would shoot the shit and I felt comfortable being my true self. We´d talk about philosophy, music, relationships, and his struggles with being a closeted atheist in a rural community like myself. He didn´t have a dad or many other friends and I know he valued our friendship. When he first started, he was a typical stoner kid who really sucked at his job, but over time he got it together and became extremely reliable. He worked hard on becoming a welder and eventually got a job in a city an hour away. I was super happy for him. Good steady job with good pay, living in a city that was more his pace, and he started dating. Every now and then we´d catch up. As I was talking to my partner about him, I felt compelled to reach out to him to catch up. I made a reminder in my phone to call him cause I had been drinking and didn´t want to forget. Well, work took my time and then I went on vacation and it became one of those things that I´d do soon but not super pressing. This morning I found out he committed suicide. As the day has progressed, I´m finding myself slipping deeper and deeper into grief and regret. Idk what his motiviating issues were or even if a phone call from me would have been enough. In fact, I feel guilty and egotistical to think that a single phone call from me might have prevented this. I know it´s irrational and not my fault but I can´t seem to squash this feeling that maybe it would have been enough. Thanks for listening and reach out to those close to you.
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